too much drama in my life?

[scottobear]

ok. more weirdness to add to my current situation. I get a phone call out of the blue from my pal Chase. (I've not heard from her in about 3 months)... apparently she and her girlfriend of 10 years are ready to have a child together. Problematic, as they are both lacking testicles, and want to give birth, not adopt. Enter Scotto. "He's got sperm! and I bet he's not using all of it!" Well. Truth be told, I've just been using it recreationally, and not procreationally... but yeah, I guess so. Here's the deal, they'd just as soon not go to a clinic and pay some guy to take it out of me, and plug it into Chase... they'd prefer the old fashioned, free installation that mother nature provides. Ok. I'm at the "Well, won't there be jealousy, or something from you having sex with me?" part of the conversation... and Chase says, "No, we've talked it out, and you're a nice guy... not emotional strings or anything, and we like what you have to offer...(she rattles off some stuff about me being healthy, etc, I come back with my apnea and back trouble, she says that they'll cope with the advantages over the disads. *egoboo*) Then she mentions that if everything's still cool, that her gf would like to have a baby about a year after the baby is born, and they'd like it if I agree to the first, if I'd agree to that too. Um. Well, let me think abut this, it's pretty important stuff...

that's where I am now. I think she expected me to agree right away, but was happy that I'm taking it seriously.

my immediate concerns are this -

I've really never had sex with someone I'm not attracted to 'as just friends'. The closest I've gotten is some silly stuff with someone I had a crush on, and she was just fooling around, although I took it a little more seriously. It's a good cause, and I'm honored they asked... but I'm not sure what my responsibility to the baby will be, should I draw up some sort of contract? Should I sire a baby with someone else, when I haven't had any of my own kids yet? I don't know what my feelings to a child I'm just serving as donor semen for will be, especially since I'd probably be there with them here and again, visiting.

Something for me to think seriously about.

Comments

[mintygirl.livejournal.com]

wow! that is a lot to think about! i hope you make the right decision. i'm not sure about having a child of mine running around without me to raise and care for him/her. then again, do they want you in the child's life? and yes, the deed would be hard with someone you don't like/are attracted to. and would your friend's gf be in the room too? okay...maybe not on the last question. but yeah, there seems to me there would be some sort of jealousy (though they say there wouldn't be) there. i mean, if that person's never been with a man, that would be awkard.

well, good luck with it!

making babies

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

If I understand correctly, they won't have trouble with me being a part of the childs life, but not have any parental control. (The friendly Uncle), I've not really gotten into the 'where will Gina be while Scotto mates with Chase' phase of the conversation yet.. honestly I assumed she wouldn't be there, but maybe that's not a safe assumption. Woo. Talk about potential stage fright. They've both had boyfriends before, but they're officially, "girl oriented" these days. (for at least since 1989!)

thanks for the well-wishes.

Re: making babies

[mintygirl.livejournal.com]

you're welcome! just keep us updated!

Re: making babies

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I will, certainly. I haven't really even agreed to do anything, yet.

[ex-paris189.livejournal.com]

Some believe the bodies floating around on the earth that you have contributed to creating make a draw on your own personal energy whether you are in physical proximity or not. In addition, there is the belief that copulation binds you in an energetic way to your partner (whether they are your partner for 10 years or 30 seconds) Now neither of these is bad if you -want- to have a family and a partner, but I think serious consideration is in order before you begin shooting babies into space willy-nilly (no pun intended) or even coupling with virtual strangers(that latter one is difficult, I know). There are also the legal responsibility issues, which from my point of view are less important (although important).

ching-ching

I agree.

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I am in favor of having a family, although it look s like I'll have no real say in the growth of the child, outside of being around. Chase is hardly a stranger, a great person, and will be an excellent caregiver, I believe. Regardless of whether I do it or not, they'll be good parents to the child, I'm quite confident. I'm not so sure aobut the binding energy force hullabaloo, but I do invest certain emotional attachments to folk I mate with... Although there is a strong case that several folks don't feel the need to make that investment, and I don't nessisarily believe in that particular element of the situation. The child will be born to two loving parents, and I don't worry about it's well-being at all, in that department.

BIG decision

[twinstar.livejournal.com]

Another thing that you would have to consider is how a future partner of yours would feel about this. Not only are you the man of their dreams, but you also have two children running around. I was thinking about this recently, through a problem a friend of mine had. They might feel that there is a big part of you that they can't be a part of. It's different when you have children with an ex, or take care of your own children. I don't think I'm explaining it as well as I could, because I'm worn out, but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

Re: BIG decision

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I hear what you're saying, I think. That's definately something that should be factored in... I'd hate for my future wife to be made very uncomfortable from someone asking "how many kids have you got?" Well, Scotto has 4, now, and my 2 are living with us....

[(Anonymous)]

Hmm...ok, my perspective on this, as someone who could probably be in the same situation as your two friends at some point in my life, is : just say no. As awfully decisive and perhaps, infringing, as that sounds, there are too many issues at stake that could potentially hurt you, them, and any future offspring. Children aren't something to play with just because they, and maybe you, feel ready to make such an awesome decision. You are a pretty cool guy, and I would really hate for you to be wrapped up in something like this for the rest of your life. But then, this IS just my opinion. Take care!!

thank you.

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your viewpoint. I do know they'll be trying to get kids one way or the other, if I help or not.... thanks for your concern... I'm still not sure which way I'm going.

Re: ...whew... whatta day...

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

thanks for your well wishes, and commentary. I'm going to consult a lawyer friend on what responisbilities would be mine, should I decide to go through with it.

Not to be an idiot, but ...

[flw.livejournal.com]

You've already given this more thought than most people ever give to having children. The typical thought process that goes into having a child (on the part of young, childless men at least) consists of, "Should I get drunk tonight?" Having read your journal, I would say the world needs your children, and will be better off with them than without them.

Now, I am jaded, and I live in Mt. Oliver, and my judgement is based on who I try to avoid dealing with daily. But it seems to me that the people who have children are the people who are too drunk, stoned or stupid to make a proper decision. But again, I live in a place where people aspire to be on the Jerry Springer show.

My point is this: if you've given it any thought at all, you've given it more thought than most people.

I feel bitter now. I sometimes watch thirteen year old kids sneak beer into the cemetary at the end of the street. They yell, and scream and berate each other, and in general carry on as in the movie "Kids". Their parents are my age. They sometimes do the same thing. These are people that have children. Compared to a drunken trist in a graveyard, followed by a three year marriage that ends in divorce with the father leaving to live with some other woman he has a child with, your children will live in a paradise of stability.

Although I do take umbrage with the thought of a biological father being reduced to the role of friendly uncle. Our society is heading toward the assumption that a father is either going to be absent entirely, or be a negative influence. The most positive thing a father can do is provide money and sperm and that is all you can expect from a man, anyway. Not that many men don't deserve to be viewed as sperm donor/ATM's, but it's no way for a society to function.

If you are a concerned, caring "uncle" who is involved in their lives, you will be giving them more than most kids have (at least, more than many kids in my neighborhood). Yours would be an "unusual" family structure, but one that should be able to function extremely well.

As for the possible tensions resulting from the actual ... umm ... procedure, The whole thing will only last a few hours tops, and compared with the trials and joys of carrying a baby to full term, the social awkwardness of "doing it" with a friend are slight, I would think.

My instinct is to delete this answer now, but I am going to go ahead and regret posting it, rather than regretting not posting it.

Re: Not to be an idiot, but ...

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your commentary, and thought. remember, though, that there's no romantic love between us, and they want to raise the child together, and I would only be donating seed, all told. I'm not sure where I want my heart to go on this, so far. I'm thinking that not doing it would be the simplest, if most selfish solution.

Kids:

[bloodymary.livejournal.com]

After reading the comments posted, I see a lot of good points raised. I would suggest consulting a lawyer and having a contract drawn up between you and the girls, detailing the specifics of your present and future responsibilities. They probably won't have to adopt the child, but either you or Chase (and eventually Gina) should sign off legally on child support, or sometime in the future you could find yourself getting nailed for it.
As for your future spouse being upset about your having kids with other women, I wouldn't worry about it. Lots of people deal with their spouse's kids from previous every day, just fine. Shoot, my boyfriend has a wonderful son from an ex girlfriend that we see once or twice a week right now. It's a complication I hadn't expected to have to deal with, me not wanting kids and all, but it's working out just fine.
As for the actual conception, well, sex is meant to be fun, too, and it can be frivilous. You have the emotional ties of friendship. I don't have sex w/ someone unless I care for them, and what is friendship but caring? Just have fun with it -- and keep in mind, it'll likely happen more than once. After all, the odds of your friend concieving on the first shot (pun intended) are pretty low. Chase and Gina need to be absolutely sure their relationship won't be affected by this act.
Good luck and best wishes.

from the research I've been doing....

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

it looks like there are all sorts of factors for fertility, and such. I swear, If I went by this stuff, alnoe, I'd have thought folks never had kids with the odds that are out there. My feelings on this are currently leaning to the negative, just to keep things simple. I'm going to consider for a week, though.

Re: from the research I've been doing....

[bloodymary.livejournal.com]

Good luck. I'd say no, if it were me, just for the same reason. That's an awful lot of complications for a couple of kids. Why don't they consider adoption? There are a lot of kids already out there who would benefit from a loving home.

Re: from the research I've been doing....

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I suggested adoption first, too... but they want to go through the whole mother giving birth thing. I know that there are a lot of kids out there that could use a swell, loving home.

Re: from the research I've been doing....

[bloodymary.livejournal.com]

Hey -- if you've checked out any of the "Carnival" stuff going on in my journal, there's a new posting you might enjoy. A friend of ours just joined the carnival, and he posted a short story he wrote. MOST EXCELLENT! Look for Mrjames's journal under my friends list.

jeez

[janedeau.livejournal.com]

scotty, take longer than a week. Take as long as you need.

This may be huge.

I think it is very special that they would choose you for such a big thing. One of the biggest thing ever.

I know that you are very giving and in one way this could be the ultimate gift. But I am just worried about your feelings. I know how much you get along with and love kids. I also think that you would like to have your own someday. Is now that day? Biologically any child you have with Chase would be your child. A little Scott or Scottina. He could look just like you. Feel just like you and if his parents are honest with him about you he or she will want to know you and spend time with you and call you when bad things happen and you will want to be there when all the good things happen. Like birthdays and holidays.

Does this sound good to you? Would you like this? maybe. But do you think it is what Chase and her gf have in mind? And will you really be comfortable having no say in raising the child? You are a man of deep feelings and strong values. And no offense of course, but you are also free with your input. (heh heh) Do you really want to put yourself in this position?

Jeez, I feel like I could go on and on. Listing pros and cons. But I guess what I am really saying is. Take longer than a week. I mean if you got a job to move to Germany or met a girl who you might want to marry or even if you were trying to pick out just the right birthday gift for a friend you might take longer than a week. So take longer. Take as long as you need.

Re: jeez

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

What you say is true, certainly. I don't think a week is long enough to say yes, but it's a good length of time to say no. I hear what you're saying about my feelings, too. (I've had pretty strong differences of opinion with those girls, too, on occasion.) I would love to have input on the childs upbringing, but I don't think that will go over very well with them... and ultimately it will be the decision they make. It's an odd situation for me, certainly, and I'm going to take some time to work it out.

one more thing

[janedeau.livejournal.com]

it takes more than one try to get pregnant. Even when you are ovulation. Alot of people are able to within 3 months. 3 months. Say you do it three times during each cycle then on average you are having sex with her nine times. And unless one of you are very fertile it will likely go one from there. My situation being exempt, it does normally take more than one month.

Re: one more thing

[scottobear.livejournal.com]

true. I do know that there is more than likely the chance that the 'first strike' won't take.