scottobear | Clown Cops RPG

Palookaville used to be a thriving, bustling neighborhood on the edge of the city. Inhabited by circus folk, the neighborhood depended on the circuses, carnivals, parades and parties that went on throughout the city. When the economy took a downturn, the residents of Palookaville found themselves unemployed and disenfranchised. Unfortunately, most banks, auto garages and landscaping firms have no use for someone skilled at making balloon animals or throwing cream pies. The out-of-work Clowns and other circus people turned to crime and the occassional rioting in the streets. The police cracked down hard but that only served to make the situation even worse. Finally, the Mayor (Da Honorable Joey Boombatz) signed a peace treaty with the leaders of Palookaville and created a special police force comprised of Clowns. The Clown Cops were born.

All Clown Cops are issued the following standard equipment:

One seltzer bottle (charged with six shots)
A package of colorful balloons
One noisemaker
A walkie-talkie
One badge
A pair of handcuffs
One whoopie cushion
One squirting flower
One joy buzzer
An assortment of colorful scarves

Clown Cops travel in black n'white VW bugs (the new ones). Contrary to popular opinion, you can't fit a dozen Clowns in one car. Clown Car patrols typically carry two, three or four Clowns at a time. All Clown Cars carry the following standard equipment:

One half-dozen whipped cream pies (pre-made)
A small cooler (to keep the cream pies fresh)
A dozen spare pie plates
Three cans of whipped cream
Extra charges for the seltzer bottles (one dozen)
One small tank of helium (for balloons or amusing speech)
Assorted novelty items in an aluminum suitcase
Stain and water-resistant body armor
An English "bobbie" outfit (complete with whistle and nightstick)
Eight juggling pins
A mini-trampoline

As a Clown Cop, you'll have to deal with:

Drunk Hobo Clowns
Annoying Mimes
Rowdy Rodeo Clowns
Squabbling Siamese Twins
Belligerent Carnies
Suicidal Lion Tamers
Acrobatic Criminals
Rogue Circus Animals
…or anything else the Ringmaster can think up!

Game Setup
Every player needs:

Some friends to play the game with
A box of animal crackers
A full glass of milk (all the glasses should be about the same size and they should be transparent-enough to see the milk through them)
A rubber band
A sheet of paper
Something to write with
One six-sided die
Clown makeup and clothing
Noisemakers, balloons and other fun stuff

One person in the group will be the Ringmaster - the person who runs the game. The rest will be Clown Cops.

Write your Clown Cop's name somewhere on the sheet of paper. Clown Cop names are usually funny and/or strange - yours should be too. Choose a Funny Name or make one up yourself.

Examples:

Flopsy
Mr. Pop
Chuckles
Zippo
Vladamir
Captain Frankfurter
The Amazing Steve

Now to go with your Funny Name, you need a Funny Voice. This can be anything - from speaking with a thick southern accent to speaking in Pig Latin (ou-yay ow-knay ut-whay I-yay een-may?). It doesn't matter what your Funny Voice is so long as you a) don't annoy the other players too much, b) can actually do the Funny Voice well enough to make it work and c) make it different than the other Clowns' Funny Voices.

Draw three large rings side-by-side (O O O) on a sheet of paper. In the first ring write GAGS, in the second write STUNTS and in the third write SKILLZ.

Fill your glass with milk (if it's not filled already) and place the rubber band around the glass so that it wraps around the half-way point of the milk (not the glass itself). This glass represents your Clown's Sense of Humor.

Next, open the box of animal crackers and randomly pull out ten crackers. The crackers will represent your Clown's ability to do stuff.

Rings:

Gags: used whenever you do something funny
Stunts: used whenever you do something dangerous
Skillz: used whenever you do something cool

Whenever your Clown tries to do something funny, dangerous or cool, you'll count the number of crackers in the appropriate ring and try to roll this number of under. A roll of 1 always succeeds, a roll of 6 always fails.

Optional rule:
If you wish to play a Mime, replace the GAGS with a MIME ring. Miming allows you to express yourself without words and also to do weird tricks like walking against the wind, climbing an invisible rope and being trapped in an invisible box. Also, as a Mime, your don't have a Funny Name or a Funny Voice. Instead, you have a French Name and you can't say anything at all.

Place these crackers inside the rings that you drew on your sheet of paper. You may not have more than six or less than one animal cracker inside any ring. Also, you may not split up your animals - if you draw two or more crackers of the same animal shape, you must put these crackers inside the same circle.

Example:
I draw the following animal crackers:

2 Gorillas
1 Giraffe
1 Tiger
2 Sheep
3 Bison
1 Bear

I have to keep animals of the same type together, which leaves me with:

Gags: 2 Gorillas
Stunts: 2 Sheep
Skillz: 3 Bison

…and a Giraffe, a Tiger and a Bear left over. I can either split them up and put one in each ring or put 2 in one ring and 1 in another or put all 3 in one ring.

The clown makeup, clothing, balloons, noisemakers and other funny things aren't necessary but they'll make the whole game that much more interesting.

Losing your Sense of Humor
There are a bunch of ways to lose your sense of humor in Clown Cops.

Getting bopped
Doing something un-becoming of a Clown Cop
Not speaking in your Funny Voice when you're in character*
Referring to a player by their real name instead of their Funny Name
Referring to the GM as anything but Ringmaster

*Yes, even if you're undercover, doing an impression or faking an accent.
To do one of these things without using your Funny Voice, make a Skillz roll.

Most of these are pretty clear but the first two need a bit of an explanation.

"Getting bopped" is the term used to describe any kind of injury your Clown Cops character might suffer in the line of duty. This can be anything from being hit with a cream pie to being savaged by a ferocious tiger. Also, failing at a dangerous task will result in your Clown getting bopped.

Conduct un-becoming a Clown Cop is when you (the player) make your Clown Cop (the character) do something that is inherently un-Clown-like. Not only does this mean DOING stuff (like being mean to kids or kicking someone in the groin), it can also cover NOT DOING stuff (for instance, not knocking out the "two bits" part when you hear "Shave and a haircut"). The Ringmaster has final say on what is or isn't conduct becoming a member of the Clown Cops.

Nobody dies (or even bleeds) in this game - instead, they simply lose their Sense of Humor. When you lose your Sense of Humor, you have to take a drink of milk. If the Ringmaster judges your drink to be more of a "sip" than a hearty "gulp," he can make you take another drink (or if you're a habitual sipper, the mighty CHUG).

As long as your milk level stays above the rubber-band line, you're fine - the glass remains "half-full." But if the level drops below the line, the glass will become "half-empty" and you will suffer a one animal cracker penalty to all your rings until you can regain your Sense of Humor.

If you ever empty your glass (because of repeated drinks or because of the mighty CHUG), then whenever you attempt a Gag, Stunt or Skill, you must eat an animal cracker from the appropriate ring. If you run out of animal crackers in a ring, then you can no longer perform that action.

Regaining your Sense of Humor

If you (the player) do something funny or skillfull, the Ringmaster can reward you by re-filling your glass back to the line. If it's already at the line, then you may fill your glass completely. Sometimes, the Ringmaster (or the other players) will assign you to perform a feat…other times, it's entirely up to you. These feats should be chosen fairly and a feat may be refused if it's in any way dangerous.

Some sample feats are:

Do ten jumping jacks
Balance on one foot for a minute
Make an extremely funny face
Do something weird (for those with unusual talents)
Sing a song or perform a dance number
Make a balloon animal or juggle three small (non-breakable!) objects

The other way of recovering your Sense of Humor is to rest for awhile in a Clown Hospitial, but this takes time (in other words, your Sense of Humor is restored between games).

Regaining your Cookies

Once your last animal cracker has been eaten, you can redraw 10 cookies and assign them to your Rings like you did at the start of the game. You must have a full glass of milk in order to replenish your cookies.

Clown Cops Random Encounter Table

To use the Random Call Table, pick out 5 animal crackers and lay them out in a line. Then, look up each animal and use the results to create a simple scenario.

For example, I draw the following crackers:

Tiger
Gorilla
Bear
Bear
Seal

Then my scenario might be: "An Acrobatic Criminal Eating a Bag of Popcorn inside an Office."

What this means is anyone's guess! Perhaps the Clown Cops get a call that there's been a break in. When they arrive on the scene, they see that a burglar has climbed up the fire escape and has stopped to make himself a bag of popcorn. Or something…

If your random draw doesn't make sense, feel free to re-draw or come up with your own elements.

Cookies	Personalities	People	Actions
Bear Bison Camel Cougar Elephant Giraffe Gorilla Hippo Hyena Kangaroo Lion Monkey Rhino Seal Sheep Tiger Zebra	Weird Drunk Beautiful Outspoken Ferocious Smelly Angry Friendly Mysterious Wimpy Funny Hungry Sad Escaped Frightened Acrobatic Deranged	Fortuneteller Clown Mime Mailman Cab Driver Kid Criminal Lion Tamer Salesman General Vagrant Man Woman Bartender Animal Freak Musician	Eating Cleaning Wrecking Chopping Building Buying Decorating Stealing Washing Gardening Misbehaving Performing Working Arguing Fixing Brandishing Sleeping

Cookies	Things	Places
Bear Bison Camel Cougar Elephant Giraffe Gorilla Hippo Hyena Kangaroo Lion Monkey Rhino Seal Sheep Tiger Zebra	Bag of Popcorn Money a Whipped Cream Pie an Umbrella a Broom a Balloon a Bottle a Street Sign a Painting a Bowling Ball an Automobile Clothing Jewelry a Statue a Baby Carriage a Post Office Box a Chair	Downtown at the Bank inside a Grocery Store at the Amusement Park inside a Restaurant at the Library at the Zoo at City Hall in Palookaville Park at the Swimming Pool at an Apartment Building inside a Circus Tent on a Boat inside an Office at the Police Station under a Bridge by the Docks