(no subject)

[scottobear]

Lovely morning walk... the sun was shining, birds singing, and I wasn't easily winded.

It's come to my attention that I really haven't posted much prose or poetry lately, and that I need to get back on that path, as well as others.

Thinking about spirituality lately, what I'd like to attain, where I'd like to be.

I would like to be more kind, more loving, and more trusting. I try to be nice to everyone...but I don't deal well with people who are in my opinion consistently cruel, thoughtless, disloyal or vulgar. That's a lot of people to have a problem with. Well, let's narrow it down. I don't deal well with people who are like that with me or my friends.

Lately, I've encountered that sort of stuff in a lot of different places. Work, LJ, and much of the rest of meatspace and cyberspace too. That's one reason I don't visit IRC unless I know a friend will be there. I Don't play AOK online, generally, unless I know a buddy will be there... it's not worth wading through the literally hundreds of socially retarded (I mean it. the growth there is literally hampered. they need to get out, go camping or something) folks that seem to wreck it for everyone else.

Don't get me wrong... I know a *lot* of sweet folks online, and off. I've no problem with them. Sadly, they seem to be in the vast minority in public forums.

So, the question remains. How do I treat those that are less than kind with kindness? I don't want to become condescending, but it seems that my approach of "they don't know any better" or "they have a lot of anger" or "that's just ignorant" or "they're that needy for attention" all seem to be a little bit so. I don't want to put on airs of superiority, I want to fix the situation...but it seems as if that's not always possible. I know I'm not a superman, and it's not my job to fix everything, but I have a very real drive to want to help folks, especially those who are so visibly broken.

I've had friends in the past that I wanted to help, but they didn't want it. That's a hard situation to be in. I've been friends with a lot of different sorts of people. Some Vulgar terms for them might be Adulterers, Amoral People, Liars, Bastards, Finks ,Snobs, Thieves, and Whores, some of whom fill more than one category. (Whee, alphabetical order!) I cut them some slack, because I thought I could help. I've since learned that sometimes I can't help, and I shake them loose. Sometimes with an argument, sometimes they shake me loose, and I don't pursue. (to any of the above that I'm still friends with... I still care about you, I just really dislike that aspect of your personality, and I wish that you'd cut it out, with or without my help.)

I went to get past my triage mentality of helping. An economy of kindness isn't what I want to be a part of. I want to dish it out wholesale.

Comments

[billijean.livejournal.com]

Yes. What you said. I'm going to e-mail you something ifI can find it...

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

Keen!

I'll look for it.

[evaq8.livejournal.com]

How about changing what you can change and what you cant change...let it slide?

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

That's what I do now... maybe a way of helping more folks, though, that I'm overlooking.

[misspriss.livejournal.com]

You are a much bigger person that I, and I admire you for it. Sure, I agree with your post, and I make an effort . . . but sometimes I find myself reacting defensively to the vulgar types of people. We all know that our defenses usually just lower us to the level of the other party, but sometimes it's so hard!

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I want you to know: you are like a mentor figure to me on my friends page. Everything from wisdom to kindness, fairness to love; every time I read an entry of yours I feel inspired. Inspired to be a part of the solution and not the problem ; )

You are making a difference, and I hope others are learning from you as I am.

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for those sweet words!

your note makes me feel really good, and I appreciate you taking the time to say that.

*hug*

[burgundy.livejournal.com]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

You cannot change people, or even help them, if they don't want it. It just doesn't work, and it burns up so much energy. You can be as polite as possible, as supportive as possible, as helpful as possible, but if they do not believe there is a problem, all your efforts will be in vain.

I am still trying to really learn this lesson. It's hard.

Here's another piece - what makes us think we have the right to? Sure, if someone's acting badly, I want them to stop. That's understandable. And if someone does something that actively hurts another person, that's simply wrong. But beyond saying "I find what you do unacceptable", who am I to decide how another person should be? To say to them, in effect, "You're happy with yourself, but I think you should change"? Food for thought.

Oh, and by the way, I'll echo what other people have been saying since time immemorial and say, "You're a really cool, caring, giving person. Thank you."

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

I think I've learned the lesson too... but I don't know that I want to keep it learned.

I suspect many of the folks that are bad, aren't happy with themselves. Usually a person becomes mean or nasty in some way because they're unhappy for some reason, I think.

Also, if I can't help folks who are being bad, well.. my other alternative is to walk away from them, or squash them before they hurt me or mine.

[burgundy.livejournal.com]

All you can do is protect yourself, I think. I had a friend for a while who was hopelessly dysfunctional, and it really tore me up, seeing what she was doing to herself. But she didn't want my help. She certainly wasn't happy, but she wasn't willing to face the things that needed facing in order for her to deal with it. And there are only so many times I can come running to the rescue again and again before I start to wear myself out. You know the whole give a man to fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for life thing? I wanted to teach her how to fish, and she wanted a fish a day, and I was just running out of fish. Ultimately, my first priority has to be myself, because I won't be anyone else's. That doesn't mean I'll do anything to hurt someone, but it does mean I need to try to protect myself from being hurt by others.

Sometimes you do have to just walk away. Certainly, you could contine bashing your head against the wall, but do you think that has any effect on the wall? It just hurts your head. It doesn't make you a bad person. It is not your responsibility to heal the world. You heal what you can, and hope that sometime the other bits will get what they need.

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

Yup... I hear what you're saying.

I just need to draw sharper lines in that regard.

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[scottobear.livejournal.com]

p.s. thanks for the sweet comment too. :)