(no subject)
Jan. 17th, 2003 10:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottobearThey Wait below....
Hmmmm. So *normally* they are so shy/elusive that of the 250 or so sightings almost all have been of corpses... but now they are at the surface and latching on to boats.
The big question is: what's down in the deep cold dark that has scared them to the surface?
Big honkin' Alpha-class sharks that's what! As the sperm whale population was trimmed back by over-enthusiastic whalers, the squid population exploded without its natural predator to keep them trimmed back.
Then sharks followed the food down in the deep, and being an almost perfect primitive life form adapted to it's environment, they thrived in the dark under pressure and just kept growing -- as long as they kept swimming.
Nuclear waste dumped from US subs into the Marianas Trench probably also factored in there somewhere. Anyhow, the end result was BIG HONKIN' SHARKS!! You know a whole Sweeps Week worth of them on Discovery Channel? Well, all that at once in one body. I'm talkin' a hunka hunka heapin' helpin' of BIG HONKIN' SHARK!!
Anyway, that's my theory. I could be wrong.
Oh yeah, and all the pressure and the extreme cold radically effected their metabolisms, giving them the reflexes of Chow Yun Fat on Dexedrine. BIG *FAST* HONKIN' SHARKS THE SIZE OF A SPRUANCE CLASS DESTROYER!!! With paranoid delusions and poor impulse control.
And, like, spikes and junk.
Hmmmm. So *normally* they are so shy/elusive that of the 250 or so sightings almost all have been of corpses... but now they are at the surface and latching on to boats.
The big question is: what's down in the deep cold dark that has scared them to the surface?
Big honkin' Alpha-class sharks that's what! As the sperm whale population was trimmed back by over-enthusiastic whalers, the squid population exploded without its natural predator to keep them trimmed back.
Then sharks followed the food down in the deep, and being an almost perfect primitive life form adapted to it's environment, they thrived in the dark under pressure and just kept growing -- as long as they kept swimming.
Nuclear waste dumped from US subs into the Marianas Trench probably also factored in there somewhere. Anyhow, the end result was BIG HONKIN' SHARKS!! You know a whole Sweeps Week worth of them on Discovery Channel? Well, all that at once in one body. I'm talkin' a hunka hunka heapin' helpin' of BIG HONKIN' SHARK!!
Anyway, that's my theory. I could be wrong.
Oh yeah, and all the pressure and the extreme cold radically effected their metabolisms, giving them the reflexes of Chow Yun Fat on Dexedrine. BIG *FAST* HONKIN' SHARKS THE SIZE OF A SPRUANCE CLASS DESTROYER!!! With paranoid delusions and poor impulse control.
And, like, spikes and junk.
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Go fish
Date: 2003-01-17 10:30 am (UTC)It's relevant that these sailors were pursuing the Jules Verne Trophy at the time that they were attacked by a giant squid, because, as the article to which you link mentions, M. Verne's accounts of my predecessors' explorations are rife with such creatures. It's possible that the Frenchmen, being a shifty sort, fabricated the incident to make themselves appear more Vernesque. That said, other details in the article lend credence to your theory, particularly the mention of a Scottish squid encounter last year. One imagines the fabled Loch Ness Monster (fended off by yours truly in Past the Tartan Source: A Doc Savage Adventure) might have given the oversized mollusk a fright, just as the mutant sharks you have discovered surely would have.
I'll be sending a pair of my colleagues over to dissect whatever specimens you may have captured. Your full cooperation is appreciated.
Clark Savage, Jr.
Re: Go fish
Date: 2003-01-17 05:14 pm (UTC)When is your birthday? I've hear tell that it's November 12, 1901, others, November 7th, 1901.
Which Andros Island were you near, the Greek or the Bahamas?
Re: Go fish
Date: 2003-01-21 07:43 am (UTC)Dear Scottobear,
Though I enjoy birthdays, I rarely have time for them and tend to overlook the date. I might be dangling by a parachute ripcord over the mouth of a volcano, giving a charity concert in Kosovo, or crawling on my belly through mutant gopher holes. Ham assures me that the date is November seventh, though Monk counters that only a lawyer could fudge dates so consistently and that everyone knows it's the twelfth. I'm not getting in the middle of it (at this point I usually just leave the room when the predictable barbs begin), but I can assure you the homely chemist is just being contrary.
Though the cove in which the schooner Orion was berthed when I too was birthed (you'll pardon the pun) still lies at the north end of Andros Island, the local economy of each Andros is so reliant on the sale of miniature Doc Savage statuettes that I'm surely not going to play hob with it by letting the cat out of the bag now. However, if you intend to play sleuth and scout out the locales yourself, I can recommend several excellent hotels and guest houses on each island, as well as seasonal Bronze Label vacation packages. Happy hunting!
Thanks for your interest,
Clark Savage, Jr.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-17 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-18 06:51 am (UTC)1) Trick it into biting down on an oxygen (apparently Matt Hooper used pure O2 rather than compressed air)cylinder and swimming around with it hanging out of it's big honkin' mouth for awhile until you can shoot the tank.
2) Get in a small rubber raft nearby a power relay station and lay the power cable (huh?!) across the raft (with you in it, by the way), then make a lot of noise so the shark *leaps out of the water* rather than swallowing the raft whole from underneath, then stick the live power cable in the shark's mouth.
3) Fly to the Bahamas. Don't worry, the shark will follow you because *this time it's personal*. In fact, the shark will get to the Bahamas before you do, even though you took a 747 and it swam. After plot complications, get Michael Caine to ram it with a plane or something.
There is another method, but I can't remember the story of the 3-D movie.
Oh yeah, and if it's a hyper-intelligent BIG HONKIN' SHARK!! you can blow it up real good with a rather small amount of explosive in a hollow spear connected to a battery. This method is gaining in popularity because it somehow allows a black man to survive a sci-fi\horror movie.
My favorite method for dispatching BIG HONKIN' SHARKS!! is a two-headed explosive speargun attached to a rope and towed behind a boat with Kevin Costner as bait. "Yo, Kevin! Wiggle your toes!"
The downside of this method is that although you kill the shark, you are stuck with Kevin. On the other hand you can get hours of laughs out of making Kevin drink his own urine while reading reviews.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-19 10:09 am (UTC)Good Morning!
no subject
Date: 2003-01-22 07:11 am (UTC)I recommend a sting operation. Litter the ocean with coupons for an all-you-can-devour buffet. Stress that there will be complimentary root beer and macaroons and then let the Megalodons come to you, or rather to the site of the promised buffet. That's when you fire your previously triangulated surplus V-3 multi-stage cannon(s).
However (and I cannot emphasize this strongly enough), *do not* use any of the products in the Acme BIG HONKIN' SHARK!! Killer(tm) line to administer the coup de grace, as they have a history of turning on the user.