scottobear | Ernie Questions His Existence

starring Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)

Ernie comes up, tapping Bert, who was reading, on the shoulder unexpectedly.

Ernie: "Hey Bert, it's--"

Bert: "-Aak-Eek-Aak!--"

Ernie: "--time for our checker game." (Ernie looks apologetic.)

Bert: "Oh Ernie, you scared me! I thought you weren't here."

Ernie: "Well maybe I'm not then."

Bert: "What do you mean?"

Ernie: "You're usually right about most things, Bert."

Bert: (modest) "Welllllllll ..."

Ernie: "And if you think I'm not here ... then maybe I'm not!"

Bert: "Good! If you're not here, Ernie, then I can go back to reading my book."

(Bert does go read for about two seconds, as Ernie starts to get worried.)

Ernie: "But the question is ... If I'm not here ..."

Bert: (to himself) "Oh no ..."

Ernie: (worried) "... then ... Where Am I?"

Bert: "It's going to be one of those days."

(Ernie gets a pair of binoculars and looks out the window with them)

Bert: "Ernie ... (irritated) Ernie, what are you doing?"

Ernie: "I'm looking for me, Bert! (pause) I thought I might be out taking a walk on Sesame Street, but I don't see me anywhere. (pause) Then if I'm not out on Sesame Street ---- I must be Lost!!"

Bert: "I don't believe this."

Ernie: "I'm lost! (he's really upset by now) Out there, all alone, wandering through some spooky forest, or down some lonesome road ... This is terrible! (starts to cry) I'll never see me again!"

Bert: "Ernie!"

Ernie: (sniff) "I miss me!"

Bert: "Ernie, will you stop that! Now, I can prove to you that You Are Here. Now, get our hand mirror. (Ernie picks it up.) Now, what's that?"

Ernie: "Oh, it's a mirror."

Bert: "No, no, I mean look inside!"

Ernie: (looks in the mirror) "I see ... me, Bert! That's me in the mirror, Bert!"

Bert: "Right! And if you see yourself in the mirror , that means--"

Ernie: "That means I must be Here! Gee, thanks, Bert! (smiles at the reflection) I missed me! (Ernie then goes back to Bert, tapping him on the shoulder as before) Hey Bert. it's time--"

Bert: "Aak-Eek-Aak!"

Ernie: " ... for our checker game! I'm here!"

Bert: (angry) "Ernie, we can not play checkers!"

Ernie: "Why not, Bert? I'm here!"

Bert: (angry) "That's right, you're here, Ernie! BUT I'M NOT!" (marches out and slams door, leaving Ernie rather surprised.)